If you're not hot, you pay the hooker to sleep with you. If you are hot, you pay the hooker to leave in the morning.
You get bored of her, she's only gets more clingy. It's a real problem. If you dump her honourably (should have held out for marriage, toots) you risk stalking and false rape accusations etc etc. Alternatively you can deliberately drop beta hints until she thinks ending the relationship was her idea.
"trolling girls by telling them I want to be a SAHD who hangs out with
the kids all day, building tree forts and teaching latin while they go
out and staple cover letters to TPS reports. watching the confused
annoyance play across their faces without any socially acceptable outlet"
The trick is to softpedal it so the rumours she inevitably starts don't torpedo your reputation completely. Nuking the relationship from orbit is easy but then you can't bang her friends. Wholeheartedly endorsing (alleged) Inquisition gender norms is a great strategy because you demonstrate unsuitability and social competence at the same time - seeing it up close, your old news will be instinctively repulsed, but her friends will see intriguing mixed signals.