"...which is why we're running a desk lamp for President."
"Naturally we would all love to have an effective, energetic, and responsible President. However, there are no available candidates with these qualities. The only realistic candidate with the most energetic responsibility we can find is this here inanimate object."
"Literally no decision made at any time, ever, by a single one of the last 46 Presidents was wise or just, and as a result the non-decisions made by this desk lamp are guaranteed to be superior."
Desk Lamp at debate:
"As we can see, subtracting all the stupid and evil statements from the wise and just statements, Desk Lamp offered by far the best debate in any Presidential election ever."
"Politics is the art of the possible."
"That's why, if you're offered the options of committing suicide by blowing your brains out with a shotgun, or committing suicide slowly with thallium, you wholeheartedly back the shotgun suicide candidate."
"Trying to, you know, not kill yourself, is clearly just impossible and you shouldn't even try. I am definitely a person with your best interests in mind."