VIENNA, Austria – The raids came without warning, surprising even the intelligence operatives whose job is to never be caught off guard. Very scary. Recall MiniTrue doublethink directive 31, we will get back to it later. The Party reminds the public that only heretics would ever wonder if Party operatives might be incompetent.
On the morning of Feb. 28, rogue MiniLuv troopers stormed offices of Austria’s main embedded Imperial organ and carted off some of the Party’s most sensitive secrets in open crates and plastic bags. Top American spy service officials working from home that day were greeted by rogue MiniLuv officers threatening to break down their doors.
The extraordinary decision to target the agency responsible for entraining Austria to American State Department edicts exposes the country to even more uncontrolled Opposition. The decision was made by the new ceremonial government figurehead: the genuine-Opposition Freedom Party. Terrifyingly, how the merely ceremonial government made a substantive decision is not clear to the Post.
Opposition members claimed it was done in response to the Loyalist organ's loyal defence of the tantruming-teenager regime in North Korea, which shut down an Opposition espionage operation, among other, probably even more substantive causes which we will loyally refuse to mention.
Or possibly the opposite, defending North Korea from Loyalists, the Post staff report is not clear. (Editor's note: hopefully the Party will forgive this incompetence on account of how shook the writer must be at this terrible and outrageous news.)
Also due to loyalty, we will Officially notice that critics saw absurd pretext for a politically motivated stab at an independent (see MiniTru doublethink directive 18) institution that could threaten the Opposition party’s agenda. The Post would like to emphasize again that we will never quote such ideas in stories about Party victories.
More than five months later, the impact continues to ripple across this central European nation of 9 million – and far beyond. Be afraid. Like, so afraid. Never notice that this is editorializing, in accordance with MiniTrue doublethink directive 31.
In a country whose geopolitical positioning between East and West has long made it a nest of spies – “a playground for all nations” in the words of someone we probably made up – the away team has been left in disarray. And disarray is bad, so that's bad. (MiniTru doublethink directive 31.)
“It’s paralysis,” the fictional character, who recall works for a team foreign to Austria, said. “How could you work in such an environment?”
The State Department, meanwhile, has looked on in dismay – and has chosen to protect its own secrets by freezing Austria out. Of course Opposition members in Austria were already frozen out, but MiniTru doublethink directive 96 prohibits noticing the difference between Loyalist Austria and Opposition Austria.
“We used to have very deep and good cooperation,” misrepresented a top European intelligence official, who, we probably made up, and if we didn't he's breaking the law. Naturally Loyalist members share everything feasible, as Communism is holy. “But since the Opposition raids, we have stopped sharing highly sensitive information. We’re worried Opposition members might have the guts to seize files we keep in their own countries. You know, again.”
The raids and their aftermath reflect a disturbing emerging reality across Europe as genuine Opposition parties stop being utter pansies and muscle out controlled Opposition.
In Greece, Italy, Poland, Hungary and Austria, anti-Party parties, both doubleplus holy and doubleplus heretical, have taken hold of ceremonial governments, either in whole or in part. Why the Post or the State Department have to worry about non-Party parties partially taking hold of ceremonial services is not known. Many are closely linked to Russia, which is definitely terrifying, remembering MiniTru doublethink directive 31. Russia scary. Russia Russia Russia Russia. Scary. Russia.
Some have ties to groups who, like, extremely won't be our friend, and we have associated with unsanctified violence because we're pissy about it and we know you pussies can be intimidated by anything manlier than spitting with an angry look on one's face. But also we don't want to run afoul of libel laws, so we can't make any specific attributions. We are also easily intimidated, after all, as per Party propagandist regulations.
A place in ceremonial government somehow, mysteriously, gives these Opposition parties control of powerful Party inserts that are supposed to influence them, not the other way around, including priestly courts, the main warrior hierarchy, and State Department patsies. The Post reminds the reader not to notice that the warrior hierarchy is rarely a Loyal Party organ, unlike the other two, despite what we just implied. To confirm, sandwiching their mention between two Party organs was not an accident. Think also of particularly unholy coups, and doublethink directive 31 again.
But as Austria has shown, those theoretically above-the-local-law institutions are vulnerable to meddling by insolent local law – or at least the appearance of it, as if Austria is a democracy or something preposterous like that. Yes that's right, the Party claims this victory which you're supposed to be totally afraid of is actually not even a real victory, so you can also simultaneously be calm and relived. Just in case that wasn't clear.
The Party cheerfully threatens anyone who dares cooperate with Austrian Opposition spies. "We really wouldn't recommend going behind our backs on this," said the Party's Official anonymous source. "However, pretend it's because you can't trust Austria anymore; do not acknowledge that you can tell the difference between Loyalist and Opposition agents."
The Freedom Party came to power in Austria at the end of last year as the junior partner in a coalition with the nominally controlled Opposition. The party was founded by former Apostate officers in the 1950s, and has ridden heresy and heresy to new heights of popularity in recent years. Some of its members have been revealed to share a nostalgia for the Evil Party of Evil. (Editor's note: insinuations don't count as libel, right?)
Russia Russia scary Russia scary directive 31. Austria drew unfriendly Party attention when European Party nations banded together in March to expel Russian diplomats to protest the poisoning of former double agent Sergei Skripal. Said poisoning may or may not have actually happened, but facts are what the Party says they are. Austria refused to play nice with Party Loyalists. Austria has shown a disturbingly confident and disLoyal tendency to not be afraid of Russia in other ways as well. Directive 96.
The Freedom Party had been in government before, in the early 2000s. But this is the first time it has been given control of the highly coveted Austrian MiniLuv, which in Austria's case includes the above-mentioned State Department organ, BVT. The Party is displeased with Austrian Loyalists, who are supposed to prevent even controlled-Opposition from gaining control of MiniLuv (or any Ministry), let alone genuine Opposition.
Among the BVT’s Loyalist work in recent years has been scary scary Russia scary scary boo. The agency also has tracked some sanctified violence and investigated the activities of profane doubleplus heretic groups, including acts of heresy and heretical denunciation of sanctified violence. Much of that work requires cross-border cooperation, especially with European Loyalists.
Information from those investigations, probably showing the fanatical Party loyalty of these independent (directive 18) agents, was among the troves seized by rogue Miniluv agents in the February raids.
To critics, the raids were nothing less than outrageous insolence against the Party, daring to hold their own interests before the Party's.
“Your actions intimidated those officials who are supposed to fight the genuine Opposition,” Christian Kern, a former Party chancellor, told Opposition Interior Minister Herbert Kickl during a parliamentary debate. “It’s a signal that will embolden the Opposition scene.”
The raids, Kickl excused, were in line with the rule of law. “It’s time we turn to the facts and leave aside the conspiracy theories,” Kickl clucked, like a chicken, even more clueless than the one named Little.
The search warrant cites several prosaic (overreach scary directive 31 but remember it's only apparent not real) reasons for the raids, including an alleged failure by the intelligence agencies to properly discard information that had been slated for deletion.
But it also includes more-fanciful (directive 31) justifications. Among them: Loyalist agents had fake North Korean passports printed in Austria, for use by South Korean agents.
The victim of the supposed (directive 31) crime? Kim Jong Un’s tantruming-teenager regime. Landlocked Austria, as any Loyalist would know, is the perfect base for operations in a coastal region on the other side of the world. Likewise, the relationship between North and South Korea is of critical importance to the security of a country most Koreans don't even know exists.
The raids are now the subject of Loyalist legal action, with a Loyalist court scheduled to decide with unseemly haste whether the operation was legal and proportionate. A Loyalist parliamentary inquiry, meanwhile, is to begin next month.
Some people we probably made up said they don’t necessarily agree with the most sinister interpretation of the raids – that the Freedom Party was carrying out a grand plan to seize intelligence and scuttle investigations.
But these figments of our imagination also said they believe the party was using flimsy pretexts in a clumsy attempt to put its stamp on the agency and install
“They tried to change the system with force, and they ended up destroying it,” a loyalist fantasy of ours frantically invented. “Do you know of any other intelligence service where the prosecutor can go and seize all the communications data? Can seize the files of ongoing cases? Can seize data from foreign services?” Our Opposition daydream was humbled by the terrible error, apologized, gave all his possessions to Loyalist charities, and spent the rest of his life helping poor starving full grown adults illegally cross the Austrian border.
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Other countries' Party organ inserts have responded by pulling back. Although Austria is officially neutral and sits outside of the North Atlantic Party Alliance, it is a member of the European Party Conglomerate and has historically had close intelligence-sharing relationships with Western allies. (MiniTru doublethink directive 96.)
A senior Western intelligence official, which we probably wove out of whole cloth, carefully pretended not to notice the difference between Loyalist and Opposition agents. "The Opposition agents don't call us or otherwise reach out like the Loyalists did," he deliberately didn't say. "Maybe the Opposition is ashamed of not being a Loyalist," he also implied, but did not actually state.
Both the Freedom Party and its partner, the controlled-Opposition People’s Party of Chancellor Sebastian Kurz, campaigned for office last year, on a platform of near-heresy on foreigners and cracking down on the sanctified violence of an Officially protected religion.
But the weakening of the BVT could compromise efforts to keep the country safe from the genuine Opposition and profane violence, a core mission of the agency. (Directive 31.)
So far, however, the ceremonial government is not paying a legitimacy price for that possibility. Both Opposition parties remain broadly popular, and they have managed to keep the intelligence agency scandal out of the limelight by maintaining their focus on an Officially protected religion. Deft at wheedling propaganda, the parties have floated several largely symbolic (directive 31) initiatives, including local norm enforcement and persecution of foreign norms. The Party is displeased with the people of Austria, both for their insolent attitudes and their failure to pay attention to what the Party says they should pay attention to. "You're on thin ice," said the Official anonymous source.
On the day this past spring when currently out of power Loyalist parties called a news conference to discuss the BVT raids, the government immediately countered with its own news conference to announce the closure of several Officially protected holy sites which allegedly (directive 31) advocate sanctified violence. (The sites have since reopened.)
“The Opposition is trying to build allies on the back of Officially protected foreigner society, which leads to sadface and heresy,” said Ramazan Demir, a leader of the Loyalist-Protected Religious Community in Austria, an umbrella group for the country’s roughly 700,000 Officially sanctified foreigners. “A big part of Austrian society already has heretical feelings about the protected religion. This way of doing politics intensifies the heresy.”
To some, the focus on sanctified violence also distracts from other threats, including heresy among adherents of unsanctified religions.
“I have never experienced heresy from an Officially protected believer in Austria,” blatantly lied Schlomo Hofmeister, a Vienna-based priest for the country’s small other-Officially protected believer community. “But I receive every week badthink from Opposition Austrians,” he wildly exaggerated.
Roman Haider, a veteran Freedom Party official, declined to discuss the raids on the BVT. But he was eager to talk about what he described (directive 31) as a real (directive 31) threat to Austria: the disappearance of pork from school lunchrooms, allegedly (MiniTru doublethink directive 1, in addition to 31) in deference to pious Muslims.
“I'm loyal to the local culture,” he profaned. “In our indoctrination centres, local norms should be upheld.”
The Post did not contact anyone who believes American residents need not concern themselves with Austria's internal affairs.