Figured Out Why Billionaires are So Fucking Boring

 If I had a cool billion in cash burning a hole in my pocket, I would be a patron of the arts. I would start a not-for-profit publishing house. Lots of books I want to see written: I would command them be written. Hooray.

 Why aren't the rich patrons of the arts anymore?

 It's because they're not actually rich. They can't spend any of that money, except on defending the money from vultures and bloodsuckers. 

 Do you think Bill Gates wanted to give all that money to charity? Fuck off, of course not. He was extorted. (Again.) It would be interesting to find out which specific swamp creature extorted him. He's not a dull knife so he worked out how to turn it to his advantage, in the end, but it's still not secure. He can't just spend it on himself. It's his money but it's not his money, ya know? He can't just buy an underwater mansion, because he can't plausibly spin that as somehow delivering malaria meds to already-dead or nonexistent children in some simulacrum of Africa. 

 

 Musk can't even spend money on Twitter. "Musk bought for 69 billion." No, he took out a 44 billion loan and then made Twitter take the loan, functionally making Twitter buy itself. If Twitter can't make the interest payments, Twitter goes under and Musk isn't on the hook for it. Would a sane country value Musk's ownership of Twitter at even 1/4? 

 I mean it's a neat trick if you know who at the SEC to bribe to pull it off. Maybe I should take out a 38 billion loan, privatize Barne's and Noble, then make BNED take on the loan used to buy itself. Like...why don't I just buy every company? (There is another theory which states this has already happened.) 

 I think the money is technically real. At least whatever is left after burying the corpse. However, if they tried to spend the money, the government would confiscate all of it. Corrupt officials (America has only corrupt officials) would suddenly realize one of Musk's three felonies a day was a big deal, whoops, and require, just coincidentally, all his cash in bribes to make the charges go away. 

 I don't start fabulously weathy companies largely because I have the low cunning to realize anything that requires the government's blessing costs more than it is worth.