You May Now Kiss the Whore

 "To have and to hold.
 In good times, but not in bad.
 If you get sick and it gives me the ick, I'll be out that week.
 For richer, but not for poorer, or if I want that sweet family court payday.
 I promise to love you until I don't, to cherish if I feel like it, and to obey if it's something I would do anyway.
 Until death do we part
 Until I get bored long enough to finish a conversation with a bureaucrat."

 "I pronounce you pimp and prostitute! You may now kiss the whore!"

 ("I already did? 🤔 Didn't seek permission... It's a hussy, after all...")

 I realized the no-fault-divorce wedding vows would be hilarious in spade language.