Get Published in One Step

Step 1: cite your reviewer's work.

If you don't do step 1, you get a bad review and won't get published. Not relevant at all? Too bad, cram it in there somehow.

Possibly there's a second step: don't cite the work of your reviewer's rival.

Reviewers are supposed to be anonymous, but of course they aren't. The editor selects them. Thus it's best to know in advance who your editor will select. They're going to choose reviewers based on whether they want to accept or reject your paper. Either know them personally and lobby them with dinners and such, or else choose a conclusion that supports them politically. If your work supports them, they will choose the reviewers you cited. If they don't like your stuff, they will pick dumbasses and jealousies.