ESRB is the Hobby of Non-Gamers

 For my sins I was reminded that ESRB ratings exist.

 Consider developers, retailers, and customers. None of these care at all about ratings. 0%. It's 100% about bored housewives and cat ladies who want to hector retailers into preventing customers from demanding the game they demand. When dumb housewives buy AO games for their 6 year old, sometimes because she accidentally off-by-one'd and picked up a different game than she intended to, the retailer can reflect blame back onto the housewife by pointing at the ESRB rating. Scapegoating 

 Naturally ESRB raters go full HOA. It's not about professionally and dispassionately rating the game. Their customers aren't players of games, after all. It's about bullying devs. Smart devs deliberately put explicit sex and horrific gore into their games so the ESRB can object to that and feel like they had an [impact], because raters will regularly do stupid shit if they don't have a honeypot to fall into. Always give execs something to do so they can feel like they oppressed you properly without necessarily harming core features. Trying to sneak one by the censors: not because it's a good prank, but so the bait doesn't look so blatant they catch on to what you're doing. 

 Socialites who refuse to do anything productive, precisely to show off how unproductive they can get away with being. Out of boredom, they make a game where you have to irritate the board but not too much, and naturally constantly changing the rules to punish anyone who just wants to get it over with.

 I just realized that Dwarf Fortress can have bloody dismemberment without issues due to ratings nonsense. I would like at least the option to play a game that realistically depicts the effects of various weapons of war. After all, I can't just go fight a war to see for myself, especially not a medieval war.
 The ESRB system: all games must be made for 8-year-olds. Some of those 8-year-olds can be old enough to have a sex drive, but nevertheless. Of course, in the end, this merely reflects the demands of wider society. The ESRB is voluntary and studios do not have to submit their works for rating. They do anyway.
 Bored housewives want everyone to be 8 years old, because that's everyone they have the social skills to deal with. Especially bored housewives (male), who are afraid of anyone noticing they're not a very good wife.

 

 Naturally the ESRB and all similar bodies are helpfully tuned to help parents know nothing about their children. They don't have to review the artwork themselves, they can glance at the white box and then they've totally discharged their obligations* as parents. *(No American parent in good standing would interact with their child were they not obligated to.) If Betty down the way says, "I can't believe you let** your son play [whatever]," Sally can respond that the ESRB has blessed the choice, whether the game is about pies and ponies or torture and stealing. Sally doesn't have to know any of that. It would take time away from needling her frenemy Betty, after all, and we can't have that.  

**(Naturally sons can't be allowed their own money, not even the allowance. The allowance is just pretend; it's not like America is a free country. The children must be taught early that they can only buy things subsequent to receiving permission to buy it. Americans learn this lesson well.)

 

 Imagine there were two ratings boards, and the parent could pick the one that was least inaccurate. Imagine it was by subscription, so the alleged customer was the one paying for it.
 Of course, we also imagine the parents realize they don't want to pay for it, because everyone already knows it doesn't much matter what your kid watches or plays. Bored housewives(male) politicking with play-pretend to pass the time. The children aren't allowed to influence the decision because they can tell fantasy from reality.

 P.S. Imagine some big publisher decided to eschew ESRB ratings. They make their own store, then stock only good games, making their competitors look desperate. Perhaps they even sticker over the ESRB ratings on the other games they stock.
 They only can't do this because they like the ESRB regime. It upholds their superstitions.